With the drought of material during Xeni's life-changing blah blah blah journey to Southeast Asia, wherein she discovered that other places are weird, and living conditions vary greatly from nationstate to nationstate, and, of course, that there's a stadium that looks like a vagina in China. Heh. I rhymed. Onward:

It seems that we've hit a limitation of the domain; Xeni, while vapid and annoying, can't always be there for us when we have something to bitch about. And, really, why give her any more dedicated press? I think that a lot of the people who are coming to this site, and to corysucks.com, and to doctorouch, and now Wikipedia, aren't of necessarily like mind, but share, at the very least, certain distaste for what amounts to advertising executives and cult of personality faux-tech would-be celebrities trying to make sure they're on the scene when the second generation of TEH INTARWEB turns nerds into billionaire nerds with the same sociopathic problems they had when they were just middle-class nerds. We remember the idiocy of "Web 1.0". Pets. Overnight. Dotcom. Any dumbass with the ability to charm a bunch of lucky rich people into thinking they could make even more money was soon perched in his mesh two-thousand dollar office chair, taking meetings with the even less clueful sycophants to the entire scheme, the "new media" cartel; ad execs and other morons who saw a chance to go one step beyond just selling what the customers were trying to sell. They saw the chance to become part of it. They saw the chance to take their own meetings with braindead venture capitalists.

And then it all fell apart. Who was left standing? Dipshits like Jason Calacanis, who couldn't code his way out of a paper sack, and never had a single original idea in his life. Did he lose his shirt? I don't know. I hope so. But who cares? We've got a problem here on the ground, folks; Calacanis is still around, and he, Xeni, Cory "Disney Touched My Junk, Liberally, At My Parents Trotskyiite Compound" Doctorow, and Markie Mark Frownfielder are still visible. They've busted their collective pasty white asses to latch themselves onto this whole "blog" thing. They allowed for user comments, the way blogs should do, until they started getting called out. Battelle Media is making what it thinks are "strategic market alliances" where they can, and showing themselves to be exactly what they are; plain and simple, just another marketing firm. Searchblog! Web 2.0! Blogosphere! OMFG, THAT'S SO TOTALLY ZEN.

In short, they're asking to be mocked. They're begging to be called out. They need it. Society needs it. Am I being a little too grandiose here? Probably. That's because I need it, too. Everyone does, really. The bottom line, though, is that some assclowns need it more than others. The self-appointed cool kids of "nerd chic" are neither nerds, nor chic; they're poseurs in both regard. They're failed "intarweb businessmen and women", former video jockeys, and trustifarians.

It is with all of this in mind that I appeal to the commentators here, at corysucks.com, and at doctorouch; what do you all think about rolling our collective skills together to spawn a new site, not limited to particular aspects of the culture we've been so graciously provided ample mockery material for in the past? There's so much more material to mock. From Kathryn Cramer's awesome geopolitical essays, to tranny movie coaches (for the burgeoning transsexual film market), to Navy Seal Boy, to Doctorow's Disney jerkoff sessions and fundamental lack of comprehension of the difference between a media format and an application (hey, the dude dropped out of college four times, no wonder he's so smart), to Calacanis pretending to be a Navy SEAL on Wikipedia, to Wikipedia itself, to, well, the entirety of "Web 2.0" and every clueon trying desparately to pull a ticket number for themselves when the Millionaire Counter opens up again "any day now"... How can we not do it?

XeniXJardinX: Hey markey! Did you see that AWESOME post on Marsupial BUTT coffee? Isn't that fucking zen!!!!??!?!1
MarqueeF <AUTO-REPLY>: Don't fucking message me when I'm watching PeeWee's playhouse!! This means YOU Xeni !!!
XeniXJardinX: Come on Mark! Are you there?! This is important, I made a blog post!
MarqueeF: Fine... *looks* OMFG YOU DUMB BITCH! I BLOGGED ABOUT THIS A YEAR AGO!
XeniXJardinX: You did? Ohhh... *looks* Hey look the price has gone up! Oh! Hey neato! You wrote about it in your book!
MarqueeF: Wait... you didn't read my book? God damnit Xeni I gave that to you as a Christmas present!! You said you read it and it changed your life!! XENI!!! *sobs*
XeniXJardinX <AUTO-REPLY>: DRM!!!
MarqueeF: Xeni!! God damnit!! I know you're there!!


Awww! That's our Xeni!! BoingBoing sitcommy goodness.

This just in from blogger Sean Bonner! MSNBC is carrying a story that the Associated Press has written that states that the "Center for the Study of Sexual Minorities in the Military" has uncovered a document that purports Homosexuality to be a mental disorder. Wow, that's only like, five degrees of seperation from the source!

I'll do everyone a favor and link to the ASCII here.

E5.1.2.1.  Certain conditions and defects of a developmental
nature designated by the Secretary of Defense do not
constitute a physical disability and are not ratable
in the absence of an underlying ratable causative disorder.
  If there is a causative disorder it will be rated
in accordance with other provisions of this Instruction.

E5.1.2.2.  These conditions include but are not limited
to those listed in paragraph E5.1.3., below.

E5.1.2.3.  Such conditions should be referred for appropriate
administrative action under other laws and regulations.

E5.1.3.  DEVELOPMENT DEFECTS AND OTHER SPECIFIC CONDITIONS

. . . 

E5.1.2.9.  Certain Mental Disorders including:

E5.1.2.9.1.  Uncomplicated Alcoholism or other Substance
Use Disorder

E5.1.2.9.2.  Personality Disorders

E5.1.2.9.3.  Mental Retardation

E5.1.2.9.4.  Adjustment Disorders

E5.1.2.9.5.  Impulse Control Disorders

E5.1.2.9.6.  Homosexuality

E5.1.2.9.7.  Sexual Gender and Identity Disorders, including
Sexual Dysfunctions and Paraphilias

E5.1.2.9.8.  Factitious Disorder

. . . 

Wow everyone is missing the most important problem, man! They classified ALCOHOL ABUSE as a mental disorder! It's a disease, damn you! God damnit ADDICTION is a disease!!!!

*starts sobbing and runs to call his sponsor*

Occasionally they even release them back into the wild, after being tagged of course.

If you ever needed a reason to cancel your impending honeymoon in the Middle East, perhaps you should inform your spouse that they occasionally will arrest those vicious bloggers.

Perhaps the biggest travesty regarding his arrest isn't the fact that he's a blogger, or a democracy activist, but the fact that he was a Nirvana fan. This makes him feel like he's not "over there". Since Xeni's participation in Bison's fighting champinionships you would think that she would know by now that our culture does extend beyond our borders but perhaps she was too busy eating yak with the indiginous people of Tibet.

Well folks, Xeni is back from participating in Bison's world fighting championship. A monk on hand was able to take this picture of Xeni apparently still unable to use her treo:



It must be nice being back home in the safe confines of LA. Surprisingly enough we were the only people in her beloved blogosphere that even noticed she was gone. Stranger yet, if I didn't half believe that Cory was just posting things for her, I'd proclaim that the internet did seem a little bit nicer.

But who are we kidding? I'm fucking surprised the interweb still exists, what with the "Wizard of Blogs" no longer behind the curtains pulling the levers. It must be nice to do absolutely nothing for a living and have the money to take a one month vacation.

Cue "Free Tibet!" blog posts in 5... 4.... 3... 2...

XENI BONUS!!!!!!!111:

How fitting that her first post after a month-long hiatus would be Web Zen post regarding the "obverse" side of appliances. "Woo, dirty refrigerator backsides. OMG so hot right now." Do you suppose she just saved that one just for us?

From xeni's flickr page:



"When the alien zombies come from space, I will be ready to fight and defend Planet Earth"

That picture just makes me sick to my stomach. Well I knew she was doing *something* at E3. Question is where has she gone since then?

Wil Wheaton writes about him and his blogging buddy friend Sean Bonner rocking out to guitar hero at E3. No mention was made of Xeni, which implies that she was probably too busy taking pictures of herself in a bathroom mirror and rehearsing her "10 reasons why women should control the Wii-mote from their vagina" speech. That's one flickr set I hope she leaves off the intarweb.

From the onion's AV club:

Shortly after my badge had been scanned ("Welcome to E3, Mr. Fenn."), my cell phone rang. It was my friend and co-writer at the blogging.la site, Sean Bonner.

"Hey, are you at E3 yet?" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm heading toward the Sony booth."

"Dude, you need to come to the Activision booth right now. Tony Hawk is skating a half-pipe about 15 feet in front of me."

ADS FOR SHITTY MOVIES! ADS FOR SHITTY MOVIES THAT YOU CAN SEE IN AN AD FOR ANOTHER SHITTY MOVIE!

I watched the trailer for "World Trade Center", and didn't notice a Zoolander ad at all, but maybe that's because I'm not a pedantic, star-worshipping Hollywood junkie. I did notice, however, some very typical Oliver Stone cinematic lameness. That people would find a "Zoolander" ad in the trailer for a movie about September 11th remarkable doesn't surprise me in the least, though. They are, in effect, standing in the midst of a forest, lost in the detail of not even a single tree, but a hand-carved "Brad Loves Jenny" heart, carved on the trunk of that tree.

In short, WHO FUCKING CARES?

Did you ever want to see two ugly geek hags and a moderately attractive lawyer talk about vacuum cleaners fighting eachother? Well then today is your lucky day!

I wanted to give Xeni the benefit of a doubt. I enjoy watching two pieces of machinery destroy eachother and then I saw who was hosting the gig.

Who were they? None other than Xeni Sucks favorite, Soylent Blue and other denizens of the Xeni's web 2.0 mob squad of obscurity Annalee Newitz, and Jennifer Granick.

Don't miss Soylent Blue's witty lines, such as, "I'm sure there's lots of cross-pollination when the alcohol flows"

So I really wanted to imagine like buzz saws and flame throwers. Now that would be interesting! Imagine people actually modding their roomba's to turn them into living room kitten assassins! That would be a wonderful thing. Think of my dismay when the video rolled (at a sped up frame rate to make it seem more interesting no less) and it proceeded to show two roombas merely bumping up against eachother.

what the fuck? This is videoworthy? Get off my screen Soylent Blue! What kind of god damned MAKE hipsters thought that this would be a "cool" thing?

For an added bonus check out Soylent Blue's Buffalo Bill inspired wall design for her GETV backdrop. "It puts the lotion on its skin!"

Xeni has another far too lengthy cut and paste blog about how internet censorware doesn't really work. She also quotes an amusing tidbit about BoingBoing's arch-nemesis SmartFilter.

"SmartFilter blocked the Declaration of Independence, Shakespeare’s complete plays, Moby Dick, and Marijuana: Facts for Teens, a brochure published by the National Institute on Drug Abuse."

Alright -- we get it. Keyword based internet censorship accompanied by a blacklist doesn't work.

Eventually the government is just going to do *more* censorship. Everything on the internet will be blocked except for a carefully maintained whitelist of sites that people will have permission to visit; undoubtedly limited to library book lookup pages and the weather.

Then when people like Xeni cry foul the government will go, "Hey you were right all along! Don't blame us we did what we had to do..."